President Ranil Wickremesinghe addressing students at his alma mater this week made an unintended confession that old boys of Royal College were in the forefront of politics for 163 years.

“I have come here to address you at a very difficult time,” Wickremesinghe told students and a small group of past pupils of Royal. “A situation we have not seen in the last 400 years. A complete collapse of the economy.”

He noted that the 1972 republican constitution which shed the country’s secular nature was drafted by old Royalist Colvin R de Silva. It abolished a civil service commission dealing the first blow to the country’s independent civil service commission.

His class-mate Junius Jayewardene did one better introducing the 1978 statute, blamed for much of the political, economic and social woes since.

“Royalists have done it so well that no one else can change it,” the 73-year-old Wickremesinghe said referring to his uncle Jayewardene’s constitution.

However, a few minutes after this remark Wickremesinghe appeared to contradict himself, vowing to have a new constitution that will last a century by dumping his uncle’s 1978 statute.

“Today, we are a country which has only Afghanistan below us. We don’t know what the future is. So when we build this future, it’s an economy that must last for 25 years. It must be a new Constitution that must last for 100 years.”

He said Royal College has produced four Prime Ministers and two Presidents. “This is an outstanding record for any school,” he said. Wickremesinghe and his prime minister Dinesh Gunawardena have also set their almost unbreakable record.

Both men have known each other from the age of three years and are from the “Group of 60,” the Form 1 batch of Royal College and were classmates along with the late Anura Bandaranaike, who became Speaker of the House, and a former minister, Malik Samarawickrema.

Wickremesinghe asked present-day Royalists to follow the “oath of the young men of Athens” which required them to ensure a “greater and more beautiful city” for the next generation. It would have been better to ask them to stick with the original “Disce aut discede,” (learn or depart), something the alumni seem to have forgotten. (Colombo/Feb 24/02/2023)

To read more by our tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra click here.

The Gazette Extra Ordinary 2294/30 of August 23, 2022 allowed smaller golf balls and ping pongs escaped the crushing import restriction that applied to bigger balls used in cricket, tennis, football and rugby. Even inflatable balls were chopped.

How did the rich-man’s golf ball escape? There is no immediate explanation from the Treasury or the Central Bank which had wanted controls to buttress its attempt to save foreign exchange.

Is it because of special Golf interests? Bollocks, says an insider.

Is it because a honcho at the central bank loved to play with small balls and drives every morning to the Royal Colombo Golf Club? Bollocks, says an insider.

He pointed out that even smaller balls —used for vehicles and machinery — were banned. The tiniest ball bearings (HS Code 8482.10.00) were also prohibited under the new decree.

He also noted that screws (HS code 8483.40.00) were also “temporarily suspended” under the new dictate of the Finance ministry.

The government also banned rackets although eliminating rackets may be a tough nut to crack. Tennis, badminton or similar rackets, with or without strings (HS Code 9506.51.00) are also not allowed.

Another wise move was to ban dummies.

“Dummies and other lay figures, automata and other animated displays used for shop window dressing,” will be banned until further notice.

The ban comes a week after Central Bank of Sri Lanka Governor Nandalal Weerasinghe noted that foreign exchange liquidity in commercial banks had improved and they had enough to finance the import of essentials such as fuel, food and medicines.

Why then resort to a new round of import restrictions that will have a castrating, sorry, cascading effect on the entire economy. We might need a crystal ball to figure that out, but wait, that is also banned. (COLOMBO/Aug 26/2022)

Read the most recent columns by our tongue-in-cheek correspondent Namal Suvendra below:

Sri Lanka’s worst crisis could be biggest blessing

Sri Lanka’s prestige battle: Ananda passes the baton of blame

Click hear to read more Namal Suvendra columns.

After being at the receiving end of popular public scorn over old boy Gotabaya Rajapaksa’s efficient mismanagement of the economy, old Anandians were jubilant when the honour now passes to two alumni of Royal.

“We have hereby handed the opportunity to receive public insults to Royalists – sent by Anandians,” read a post widely shared among former students of the Colombo 10 (Maria Kade) school that was attended by Gotabaya and treasury secretary Sajith Attygalle who also fell from grace.

A Facebook page entitled: Anandians for Gotabaya” changed its name to “Anandians for nation” when Gotabaya escaped through a backdoor and fled when tens of thousands overran his palace on July 9. A spokesman for an old Anandian WhatsApp group said the traffic on their smart phones had declined sharply and members were already seeing considerable savings on their internet data bills.

They were also relieved when Dullas Alahapperuma, an Ananda alumnus, lost to old Royalist Ranil in the parliamentary election on July 19. “It was a good battle to loose,” a senior Ananda OBA spokesman said adding that he was fed up explaining to friends that he cannot recall a Rajapaksa in his class.

It is reliably learnt that there was no maroon-and-gold tie wearing old boys at the Changi Terminal 3 when Rajapaksa arrived in Singapore on July 14 aboard a Saudia Boeing 787 Dreamliner ending the nightmare of many Sri Lankans.

In less that 24 hours at the job, Wickremesinghe received more international traction than Gotabaya in his entire 32-month presidency for his Yankee-style shock-and-awe crackdown on the Galle Face protestors. The US, EU, UN and the core group on Sri Lanka at the Human Rights Council also issued statements regarding the South Asian nation.

US ambassador Julie Chung led the pack with: “This is not the time to crack down on citizens, but instead to look ahead at the immediate and tangible steps the Government can take to regain the trust of the people, restore stability, and rebuild the economy.”

A remarkable achievement considering it took Gotabaya one full week to receive similar missives from foreign governments. That was after the abduction of a Swiss embassy local employee.

The Ranil-Dinesh combo has been close friends since 1952 when they were both 3 years old. They are from what is known as the “Group of 60,” the Form 1 batch of Royal College Colombo. Two other politicians from the same batch are the late Anura Bandaranaike and former minister Malik Samarawickrema.

Prime minister Sirima Bandaranaike had her son Anura’s classmate, Jayantha Jayasinghe, as her PSO, Personal Security Officer.

But, the most honourable in the Group of 60 is possibly brigadier Vipul Boteju who quit the army after refusing to take orders from then state minister of defence Ranjan Wijeratne to bump off JVP suspects in his custody. Vipul quit his post as a commanding officer in the deep south after explaining to Wijeratne in unprintable language that he would not carry out illegal orders. (COLOMBO/ July24/2022)

Read the most recent column by our tongue-in-cheek correspondent Namal Suvendra below:

Sri Lanka worst crisis could be biggest blessing

Click hear to read more Namal Suvendra columns.

The UN Environment Program and the WHO are looking forward to the day when the entire nation of 22 million will abandon fossil fuels becoming the first to achieve an enviable “zero emissions” record.

Former Lieutenant Colonel Rajapaksa, backed by the money printing central bank is marching the entire nation in step with his “Vistas of Prosperity and Splendour” manifesto to eliminate Non Communicable Diseases such as diabetes and hypertension, according to global health experts.

“Thanks to the president’s ban on agrochemicals, people are now forced to eat less,” a health official said on condition of anonymity. “Sri Lankan fruits and vegetables are now organic by default. It is healthier.”

Rajapaksa told a UN Food Summit in Rome in July 2021 that the rest of the world should follow his example.

“I hope that Sri Lanka’s example will help inspire more countries to take the bold steps required to sustainably transform the world food system to ensure food security and nutrition for our future generations,” Rajapaksa said.

Two months later, Rajapaksa addressed the world again ( https://www.un.int/srilanka/news/statement-he-gotabaya-rajapaksa-president-democratic-socialist-republic-sri-lanka-un-food ) and said his organic drive was also reducing rural poverty.

His claim was proved right. The WFP in its latest assessment of the country says half a million people were no longer in poverty after the organic drive. Instead, they are now in abject misery and in need of urgent food aid.

“The shortage of petrol and diesel may have actually been engineered by a far-sighted government to jolt people out of their sedentary lifestyles,” the WHO specialist said.

The UN Environment Program has already measured a considerable drop in greenhouse gas emissions in Sri Lanka in the past two weeks.

The numbers are stark. The country’s diesel consumption has dropped from 8,000 tonnes to just 1,200 tonnes a day, the amount that is released to pumping stations daily. Petrol is down from 4,000 tonnes to just below 300 tonnes a day.

The lack of LP gas is also having a salutary effect on controlling dengue. With homes switching from gas to coconut charcoal stoves or traditional firewood cooking there is the twin effect of smoking out mosquitoes and eliminating larvae breeding in coconut shells.

With his unconventional wisdom, the president is subtly carrying out a system change and effected social engineering to pull people out of their vehicles and put them back on their feet. No mean feat.

Please click here to read more stories by our tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra

https://economynext.com/miscellaneous/namal-suvendra/

(COLOMBO/3July/2022)

More than 100 public servants, including a large number of police, completed an Australian-funded signing course on Monday and more were joining the next batch.

Officers said the course had suddenly become attractive to even the senior Deputy Inspectors of General (SDIGs) who have been targeted by police chief Pujith Jayasundara for telephone surveillance.

Several DIGs said their phones and e-mails had been compromised according to testimony before the Police Commission last week where it was revealed that communications of some 48 top cops were being listened to.

"Alternative ways of communication have become an urgent need because of the risk of phone tapping," a senior officer said. "We thank the Australian government for this timely intervention to improve internal communications of the Sri Lanka police.”

Senior officers have also told the police commission that Jayasundara does not speak to them, but was only trying to listen to their phone conversations and read text messages and e-mails which had nothing to do with police work.

Jayasundara recently flew into a rage when he found that many of his officers did not follow his orders to meditate every morning to start the day with equanimity.

The sign language training began in Matara district, the home constituency of Law and Order Minister Sagala Ratnayake. It also comes two months after the government presented a bill to make signing an official language.

"The (sign) training will help to bridge the communication gap between the hearing-impaired community and wider society, enabling a more inclusive and supportive environment," the Australian High Commission said.

Second Secretary Nicholas Burnett said his country was a "firm believer in disability inclusive development – including people with disabilities."

A 2012 census has shown that there were 389,077 people in Sri Lanka with hearing disabilities.

A top official at a certificate awarding ceremony for the first batch of 120 men and women who completed a six-month sign language course said the orders could be passed down to the rank and file using sign language to avoid incriminating digital finger prints.

(COLOMBO, November 29, 2017)

To read more from our tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra, click on the links below.

"No toddy shall be drawn or lowered from coconut or palmyrah trees without a license issued by the department of excise or by the respective Divisional Secretaries," the finance ministry said in a statement.

The number of toddy tappers had reached over 100,000 a few decades ago, but in recent times it has dropped to 7,000 according to industry estimates.

Tappers were also the first to use a fibre network to move from one tree to another to download sap without going down from each tree top.

It is not clear how the new licencing regime is going to be implemented unless the police and excise officials keep a hawk eve on every coconut tree in the country.   With the licencing, the government hopes it will be able to regulate the sale of toddy which is used in the manufacture of arrack and reduce revenue leaks.

Finance minister Mangala Samaraweera brought back licencing that was abolished by former president Mahinda Rajapaksa.

The former leader may have removed the restrictions on toddy tappers as a sign of gratitude for their service to national security. Tappers kept an eye on the sky for any Tamil Tiger aircraft violating Colombo’s airspace to stage attacks between 2007 and 2009.

Hands-free technology allowed tappers to multi-task and call the police emergency number if they saw an intruder in the air while balancing on-line and  gingerly tapping coconut flowers to extract the sweet sap which eventually turns to toddy.

The networked tappers were thought to be more effective than the 2D radar system the Sri Lankan airforce possessed at the time. The conventional radar failed to detect low-flying Czech-built Zlin 143 aircraft of the Tigers.

From their birds-eye-view from coconut tree tops, tappers were considered a more effective way of detecting the single-engine planes of the Tigers. (COLOMBO, October 31, 2017)

To read more from our tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra, click on the links below.
 

Duminda Silva who was handed down the capital punishment sentence last week for the 2011 killing of fellow party member Baratha Lakshman Premachandra and four others should face the gallows and help the cause of his brother Rainer Silva.

Elder brother Raynor (sometimes spelt Rayynor)  Silva’s Hiru TV network defended broadcasting images of a naked and violated Seya, a four-year-old girl raped and murdered at Kotadeniyawa and said their action was taken to bring back capital punishment.

Hiru TV network staunchly defended not only violating broadcasting norms, but also child protection laws of the country which prohibit such displays of child victims – all in the name of generating public opinion to bring back the gallows.

Now that younger brother Duminda is facing the death penalty, he could emulate Madduma Bandara who stepped forward to be beheaded first at a time when his older brother was gripped with fear.

Raynor’s Hiru TV would not only succeed in securing more credibility, but their cause of eliminating dreaded criminals would get a boost if Duminda could be the first since 1976 to hang.

It may be better than hanging around the Welikada prison for a lifetime, as capital punishment is normally commuted to a life behind bars. Hours before the verdict, he was seen at another bar, this time at the Cinnamon Grand.

He has already set a grand record in the country’s criminal justice system. He is the only murder convict who did not spend a single day in remand prison.

The CID had earlier questioned him at length about his alleged involvement with a drug dealer known as "Wele Suda" with whom he is said to have met somewhere near the same hotel.

Even though he claimed not to know the drug dealer, they could compare notes at Welikada while he gets an opportunity to show his bravery and become a sort of 21st century Madduma Bandara for the underworld. Apologies to Madduma Bandara’s descendants. (COLOMBO, Sept 13, 2016)
 

Pease click on the links below to read more stories by our tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra

President Maithripala Sirisena and Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe made an unannounced visit to the Central Bank of Sri Lanka Wednesday as controversial Governor Arjuna Mahendran’s term came to a close.

Even the presidential photographer was initially kept out of the closed-door meeting at an upper floor of the Bank while reporters were firmly told to stay away as the two leaders feared any questioning on bond sales.

Hence, STF commandos adopted James Bond-style tactics to make sure that no reporter slipped through their cordon, possibly the tightest since the Tamil Tigers bombed the Bank in January 1996.

It is possible that the guards were treating the Central Bank as a crime scene and were acting to protect evidence, although it has been established at the COPE parliamentary committee that the bank’s vaults had no ears.

Despite the tight security cordon, an impertinent reporter managed to get within striking distance of Wickremesinghe to shout out a question as the premier tried to leave after the top-secret meeting.

"We discussed the economy," Wickremesinghe said as he quickly got into the car in another manoeuvre worthy of a Bond movie where the hero tries to escape hired assassins.

Neither the President nor the PM would take any questions about who made the real killing from long-tenure bonds in february last year and again in April this year or whether it was simply fiction worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster.

Mahendran himself was offering no comment on Wednesday, possibly his last day at the Bank. President Sirisena made it clear that there will be no "re-appointment" of a governor and only an "appointment."

"I will appoint a new Governor to the Central Bank in the coming hours," he said on Twitter. Mahendran could thus enter Sri Lankan history books as the first high-ranking official to be fired via Twitter. (COLOMBO, June 29, 2016)

Pease click on the links below to read more stories by our tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra

The first test case is reported from Opanayake in the Ratnapura district where the passenger of an army jeep was arrested and remanded because his driver was involved in an accident that killed a five-year-old girl on February 18.

Where the Deputy Inspector General (DIG) traffic feared to tread, police spokesman Ruwan Gunasekera rushed to order the officer in charge of the Opanayake police to immediately arrest the passenger, an army major, and his driver.

According to witness statements, the only “crime” committed by the passenger was to use his phone while his driver was at the wheel when the crash occurred, but Gunasekera got him arrested under section 298 of the Penal Code (Causing death by negligence.).

Assistant Superintendent Gunasekera who went above the traffic DIG is now qualified for the 2016 innovation award for coming up with this unique scheme to prosecute passengers.

When asked if he had in fact ordered the arrest, Gunasekera told a local newspaper that he not only ordered the arrest, but asked the Opanayake OIC to record it in his note book. Such is the courage of a trail blazer.

Gunasekera could take his initiative to its logical conclusion by calling for the arrest of the army commander Krishantha Silva too as the registered owner of the vehicle that caused the fatal injury. There could be an army of politicians in jail given that many VVIP convoys are involved in many fatal accidents.

About  2,500 people die on Sri Lankan roads annually and the numbers are rising with the huge influx of vehicles in recent years.  The deterrent effect of Gunasekera’s novel move should not be underestimated.

After all, he is also an attorney-at-law who only last month tried his hand at appearing for the police in what is turning out to be the worst police brutality case under the Sirisena administration. Inspector General N. K.  Illangakoon bowed to public pressure and withdrew Gunasekera from the Embilipitiya case after his conduct was challenged by fellow lawyers, but he is still full of ideas.

Traffic cases could now be shifted to high courts or all traffic courts could also be co-opted to hear criminal traffic cases. Every passenger is now a potential suspect aiding and abetting murder under section 298 of the Penal Code. 

The controversial private medical college at Malabe could consider turning its students into lawyers and this would be a win-win situation to end that controversy too. ASP Gunasekera is not only a lawyer, but a political trouble shooter.

In April 2005 marking a rare exception, police prosecuted a bus conductor in the fatal bus-train collision at Alawwa that led to the deaths of 37 and wounded 40.

In that case, the conductor was also held criminally responsible because he moved the rail barrier and egged the driver to move while a train approached the level crossing.

Being a lawyer in addition to being the police spokesman, Gunasekera must know what he is doing even though he has been brave to bypass the police chain of command, one can only hope his innovative idea pays dividends and he is not taken out of his post.

But unlike other cops, he can still have a practice at the traffic courts. (Colombo/Mar04/2016)
 
 

Finance minister Ravi Karunanayake in unveiling his first full budget proposed that Sri Lanka becomes a nation of haves and have yachts. He removed the super luxury taxes on yachts, caravans and any outdoor camping gear.

He wants to encourage yacht ownership in a country that is building two marinas — Port City Colombo and Galle — and trying to leverage the end of the war to boost tourism.

He plugged a LKR 40 billion tax leak through duty concessionary permits given to state sector employees and elected representatives to import vehicles. Under that system, commoners had to pay through their nose even for a modest set of wheels.

However, all that will come to an end. With taxes taken off caravans, Sri Lankan families unable to pay for a mid-size Japanese-made car because of the 250 percent tax can now ride comfortably in a tax-free caravan.

Given the huge traffic congestion and considering that an average family could be spending more time in traffic than at home, can now combine the two and live on the road.

Instead of large Sports Utility Vehicles, imported mostly on duty free permits of MPs and senior public servants, we could see duty free motor homes or RVs (Recreation Vehicles) hogging roads.

The LKR 5,000 charge on emission test could be suffocating for many vehicle owners, particularly motor cyclists and three wheelers, but more shocks are on the way when increased road taxes are announced later.

Private sector employee  will no doubt be cheering Karunanayake for taking them off PAYE (Pay As You earn) which was deducted at the source depriving employees the ability to file creative tax returns.

Employees earning less than LKR 200,000 a month are no longer liable to pay taxes and ditto for the self-employed.
(COLOMBO Nov 21, 2015)

According to the UN children’s fund UNICEF, a considerable number of Sri Lankans have joined the potty ranks of "open defecators" while 610 million in South Asia do not have toilets. A staggering 1,600 children reportedly die each day from diarrhoeal diseases world-wide, according to UNICEF.

Tendulkar took time out at the Taj Samudra on Monday to show Sri Lankan girls and boys how to wash their hands thoroughly. He was joined by Sri Lankan cricket legend Muttiah Muralitharan who was seen furiously rubbing his hands in a gesture of delivering a controversial doosra.

Perhaps the UNICEF should have got Sri Lankan politicians involved to more effectively drive the point home.

Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe could have shown how to wash hands off a bond scandal while former president Mahinda Rajapaksa could have illustrated how to sanitise his military’s murder of civilians as a “humanitarian operation”.  

His successor, Maithripala Sirisena, also could have been an excellent mentor for the washing drive. Sirisena has excelled in washing away the sins of many SLFP politicians to make them squeaky clean to join his sanitised cabinet.

Considering the gravity of the issue UNICEF has raised with Tendulkar’s celebrity status, President Sirisena could consider a minister for Sanitation to replicate the success of the mobile phone industry.

Perhaps the lack of toilets explains the success of the mobile phone industry in Sri Lanka as well as elsewhere in South Asia. Those without a toilet are likely to spend more time roaming for a suitable place to download with some degree of privacy.

Sri Lanka’s share of people without toilets is about 2.8 million joining the ranks of  "open defecators."

Toilet usage in Sri Lanka has increased in recent years, but 14 percent of households still do not have toilets of their own, according to UNICEF. This means millions of Sri Lankans  have to share a public toilet or just gel with nature.

UNICEF’s "wash in school" initiative is expected to reduce the diarrhoeal deaths and the “wash in public” politicians should be able to help. (Colombo/Oct13/2015)

The lone Buddhist monk in the new parliament will be Athuraliye Rathana who is piggy-backing on an elephant to re-enter the House this time through the backdoor known as the National List.

The honourable venerable MP’s National Heritage Party has a legacy of going to pieces before and after every vote.

Former UPFA deputy minister Prmalal Jayaratne is in remand custody after being arrested on a murder charge, but he secured the highest number of preferential votes in the Ratnapura district.

His election underscores how undesirables are desirable to a UPFA constituency which in 1997 gave Mahinda Ratnatillake the highest number of votes after he became the main suspect in the murder of MP Nalanda Ellawela.

There are only a dozen or so women in the new parliament, but the TNA is expected to nominate two women from their national list which could increase female representation in the 225-member assebly.

There are four sets of brothers from the same party — Ranjith and Wasantha Aluvihare, Navin and Mayantha Dissanayake from the UNP and and Mahindananda and Ananda Aluthgamage and Mahinda and Chamal Rajapakse from the UPFA.

Arjuna and Prasanna Ranatunga are from rival parties and both could ensure that irrespective of which side does well, the family interests are well take care of.

There are two sets of father-son duos. Mahinda and Namal Rajapakse of the UPFA and Rajitha and Chatura Senaratne from the UNP.

There is a mistress whose trapeze-artiste-cum-politician master failed to return to the new parliament from the national list of the UPFA leaving her sulking in the hallowed halls of parliament.

Daya and Anoma Gamage will be the only husband-and-wife couple without counting elderly actress Geetha Kumarasinghe who has given up the casting couch to lounge in parliament where she has at least one ex-senior minister admirer.

Legal advise prevented mentioning the names of two young MPs who once shared the same wife.

There is also at least one MP from the south who once publicly declared that he had been sexually assaulted by a senior, but refused to press charges, probably hoping to keep the issue dangling.

Political parties in the early 1970s promised free rice "even from the moon" to starving millions, but no party has dangled this much cash before an election.

An interest-free loan of LKR 200,000 is offered to each couple getting married after the UPFA forms a government, if elected at the August 17 vote.

At least 180,000 marriages are registered annually, but no amount of love and fresh air has made the institution of marriage more attractive than this offer of cheap credit.

The manifesto could also spark a wave of teen marriages.

Each girl or boy reaching the age of 18 years is being promised LKR 50,000 for higher studies or vocational training. If they get married, they get another LKR 200,000 with a comfortable seed capital of LKR 300,000.

Enterprising couples could further benefit from another promise that every three-wheel taxi owner will be offered a duty-free car if the person wants to expand his/her transport business.

In addition, as a three-wheeler owner, they will also be entitled to a credit card with a limit of LKR 100,000 given at concessionary interest rate.

It is likely that this document was leaked long before its launch. That is probably why there is a mad rush to buy three wheelers. Some 10,000 three-wheelers were sold last month alone.

The newly-weds could also join the three-wheel race and buy a second-hand Bajaj as their first vehicle with the seed capital already in hand. That will qualify them to claim a duty-free permit for a car to start their expanded travel business as promised by the manifesto.

Following the example of almost all politicians and public servants, they can hawk their duty-free car permit for about LKR 1.0 million and buy a decent second-hand car, thanks to the manifesto.

As newly-weds, they are also entitled to another loan of LKR 4.0 million given by the state at a preferential interest rate.

It is not clear what the outlay would be for the extremely generous offers contained in the 55-page manifesto, but UPFA sources refused to confirm reports that they have received inquiries to secure exclusive movie rights to the manifesto.

Irrespective of the outcome of next month’s election, the UPFA manifesto contains sensational stuff that only Disney movies are made of. (Colombo/July28/2015

After the Indian leader told Sri Lankan law makers the virtues of devolving power, Sri Lanka’s new opposition leader Nimal Siripala de Silva resorted to a subtle rear-guard action.

"Your excellency, you are a self-made man, worthy of immunisation, "said de Silva who was the health minister under the former regime. De Silva whose United People’s Freedom Alliance considers federalism a four letter word made no reference to the Modi prescription, but gave him a Freudian jab.

Perhaps it was also a bit difficult for Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe to swallow.  "You have given us a throat provoking  speech,"  a stumbling Wickremesinghe told Modi. "It is a valuable contribution that we have to start from here."

The state television anchors were also having some difficulties of their own. The Sinhalese anchor extolled the virtues of our great Asian friend and partner and Asian giant "China."

Another Freudian slip from an anchor who not long ago was praising China during Xi Jingping’s  Colombo visit. "China…errr, India," he managed to spit out just in time to keep his job.

A Tamil anchor who got carried away as Modi drove to the Presidential Secretariat for the official welcome introduced the dignitary as "Thalaivar (leader)  Narendra Singh Dhoni." Modi is probably used to it by now after President Maithripala Sirisena during his Indian visit very nearly called him Narasimha Rao.

For more satirical writing by Namal Suvendra click this link.

From a distance, the Indian-made vehicles appear similar to the Winnebago Recreational Vehicles (RV) costing in excess of two million dollars a piece, but these behemoths left by the Rajapaksas are anything but.

The dark tinted windows and the black exterior paint work suggests luxury on board, but it does not even have a toilet, unless one is inclined to use the miniature sink with no running water.

Seats are cushioned with synthetic leather, panelling is artificial wood, curtains are cheap polyester made to look like Marie Antoinette’s boudoir and the store space has an empty bottle of local brandy.

The vehicles had been acquired ostensibly to ferry Commonwealth leaders during their summit in Colombo in 2013, but where is the portable loo? Unless of course it is stashed under the tacky mattress at the rear. 

Perhaps the manufacturer thought it best to follow deep-rooted local tradition and allow passengers the freedom to choose any tree or wall along the road. Or the passengers had stellar bladder control.

There are no signs that any Commonwealth leader actually used any of the two buses now parked at the Foreign Ministry compound where it has become the latest eye sore.

There is evidence on Facebook that former president’s nephew Sashindra, his family and close friends used at least one of the buses for joy rides. No wonder he did badly at the September 2014 elections and no wonder his constituents did not take him seriously. Even a "baiyya," or a country bumpkin, would have known that this is a fake, wanna-be-recreational-vehicle. The badge was a dead give away: Lanka Ashok Leyland.

While Sri Lanka’s media tried to cling onto blue and pink LED bulbs and a flat screen TV as luxuries, the real scandal lay hidden somewhere in a file that is likely to have gone with the former administration.

There are unconfirmed reports of a monthly instalment of 900,000 rupees being paid for each vehicle and it is not clear how many more payments are due. Assuming no down payment was made because of a sovereign guarantee, still 14 million rupees may have been paid for each since September 2013.

Considering the final outcome, it may be a small price to end an era of extravagance at public expense. Just strip the seats and leave the tacky interior intact and the black bus can easily be used as a Black Maria. There will be plenty of passengers for that.

For mor satirical writing by Namal Suvedra click on the fllowing links below.
 

The pontiff and his entourage flew an ageing A340-300 that is earmarked for replacement. Either the very same aircraft or its twin was grounded at the Charles de Gaulle Airport in September 2011 for missing vital rivets holding up a section of the fuselage.

The pope waved from the aircraft named Magam – Ruhunupura, taking the initials of the former president Mahinda Rajapakse who was often referred to as MR.

An ITN  anchor was so emotional he lamented that this would be the Holy Father’s "final blessing" on Sri Lanka.

The civilian air traffic tracking website flightrada24.com did little to reassure pope watchers. A few minutes after being in the air, flight ALK 4111 disappeared from air traffic tracking website as the aircraft was over the Bay of Bengal. After an anxious wait of six hours and 20 minutes, Manila confirmed that the Sri Lankan aircraft landed safely.

Before he left, the send-off and the sight of pious Catholics kneeling and kissing the pope’s hand clearly left an impression on airport ground handling staff, although the airport chairman and the head of Sri Lankan airlines were conspicuous by their absence.

When President Maithripala Sirisena had said his good byes to the pope and walked the red carpet back to the VVIP terminal, Sri Lankan staff wearing luminous jackets pushed each other to shake the new president by the hand. Some even knelt and kissed President Sirisena’s hand, pope style.

For airport and Sri Lankan staff, a presidential blessing may be more useful than a papal blessing to keep their jobs, considering the mass sackings already ordered by the new administration.

Amen.

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What ever the stories about Maithripala stealing a march on the manifesto by pinching key elements from the president’s policy document, the latest edition of the "Mahinda Chintana", or Mahinda’s philosophy, has an unbeatable offer.

The president is offering goats to every family in the north and east of the island in a proposal similar to the offer of a cow for each citizen made by a former presidential candidate and Siddhalepa boss Victor Hettigoda in 2005.

Unlike Hettigoda’s liberal cow distribution plan, the president’s manifesto restricts the goat growth to the northern and eastern regions which could be decisive in deciding his political future after the January 8 elections.

The ruling party is already bleating that despite huge reconstruction in war-ravaged areas, the Tamils there voted for the opposition Tamil National Alliance at 2013 provincial polls.

The question is whether goats can turn the tide, but in many places they are already contributing to the election campaign by tearing up posters and eating them off walls.

If that is not enough, the Rajapakse manifesto has understood that a good way to get a man’s vote is through his dog.

"I will invite animal welfare organizations to set up centres to take care of stray dogs and their pups left on the high streets," the manifesto said on page 26 of the English edition released this week.

"I will provide government assistance to set up such centres," the manifesto said.

ODEL founder Otara Gunawardene could be voting with both hands. Her project to care for stray dogs, Embark, could embark on a government-backed growth trajectory that has eluded ODEL.

She may even qualify for a prestigious national animal care award.

"I will implement a programme that rewards individuals who continuously show love and kindness to animals," the president said.

However, public servants could be miffed because the chapter on them — "A loyal public service serving the country" — came as number four and just after the section on stray dogs.

But there is spiritual solace for all. The president is offering a state-of-the-art transport system linking all key Hindu temples where hundreds of thousands visit annually to seek favours and redeem vows.

"I will extend the railroad from Kataragama to Trincomalee, thus enabling the convenient worship of the four devalas in four areas, Nallur Kandasamy Kovil, Trincomalee Koneshwaran Kovil, Chilaw Munneshwaram Kovil, and the Devundara Upulwan Devalaya," the presidentsaid on page 85.

But with both parties offering free wifi Internet connectivity across the country, it might be cheaper to visit holy web sites and use the Central Bank’s proposed ‘pray pal’ scheme to give thanks for favours.

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President Mahinda Rajapakse’s "The path to win the world" manifesto admits that 50 percent of high school students have failed mathematics. He promises a probe into the poor mathematical skills of students.

However, his Housing minister Wimal Weerawansa, 44, has proved that the problem is not something that started during the stewardship of the president in the past nine years.

A dropout from the Kalutara Tissa Central College, Weerawansa famously declared recently that two divided by two equals zero. No wonder government figures do not add up.

Despite the general student population lacking mathematical understanding, the president’s manifesto promises he will launch an indigenously designed and constructed remote sensing satellite by 2020.

If re-elected, President Rajapakse will also expand space technology, a move that would fit in nicely with his youngest son Rohitha’s ambition to become Sri Lanka’s first astronaut.

With both main candidates promising the sun and the moon in their remarkably similar manifestos, there would be a lot of merit in Sri Lankans  undertaking space travel.

Sri Lanka’s astronomical statistics have often been questioned by the IMF and the World Bank despite their local representatives being described by the opposition as "jokers." (see EconomyNext story here: https://economynext.com/Sri_Lanka_opposition_to_negotiate_with_IMF_direct_instead_of_%E2%80%98local_jokers%E2%80%99-3-611-1.html)

At least one officer of the Census and Statistics department was sacked last year for alleging that GDP numbers were boosted on political advice.

With the admission that 50 percent failed maths at high school, the challenge for the government would be to achieve a 100 percent fail rate so that the electorate will eventually stop questioning the fairy tales of economic success.

Click here for more stories by our a tongue-in-cheek columnist Namal Suvendra

President Mahinda Rajapakse was due to unveil his action plan on Monday the 22nd of December 2014, but the widely publicised event had to be postponed when it was discovered that Maithripala Sirisena had already published chunks of it.

Addressing a public rally in Ampara, the President said Sirisena’s manifesto was a copy of his 2015 budget proposals announced in parliament in October when the opposition candidate was still the health minister.

The January 8 election is no longer a test of rival economic policies, but a battle for ownership of spending sprees some economists estimate will cost the tax payers about 300 billion rupee annually.

The allegation of pinching proposals has already backfired on the ruling party which had initially tried to trash Sirisena’s 63-page document as a script for a Disney  fairy tale, only to discover that much of it is already in the 2015 budget.

The Sirisena camp handled the foreign relations chapter very well hedging all bets by calling for balanced ties with both India and China, but when it came to gaming, Sirisena’s manifesto was as confused as Sri Lanka’s foreign policy.

The "Maithri governance, a stable country" got the names of proposed casino resorts wrong, dropped a third mega casino resort of Dhammika Perera and said different things in Sinhala and English versions. Watch out for the Tamil translation which may yet have another spin on casinos.

Sirisena could be forgiven because the government itself has been blowing hot and cold on gambling and he himself has voted for both the casino bill as well as granting tax concessions to "integrated resorts" which are actually casinos.

Only last month, some 17 million copies of a booklet against opposition leader Ranil Wickeremesingeh was said to have been destroyed because he pulled the rug under the government’s feet by pulling out of the presidential race.

The government bet on the wrong horse to be the main rival of Rajapakse only to find that the dark horse was their own health minister.

But all this is good for economic activity and the Central Bank governor could be salivating thinking of how the GDP growth rate would rise for the final quarter of 2014.

Presses are printing Rajapakse posters and manifestos faster than the central bank can print money.

The government is already committed to giving a grant of LKR 100,000 to the third child of public servants, a move to encourage large families. The zero point one million rupee babies are expected to follow parents in voting for the party in power.

However, by encouraging police men and women to stay single and save on water and energy, the Sri Lankan treasury may have played a master stroke in checking future expenditure while appearing to be generous with handouts.

Police spokesman Ajith Rohana in a statement said all unmarried police men and women will no longer be asked to pay for their utilities.

The government may have to extend the concession to some 400,000 in the armed forces too to ensure equal treatment, but more on that could be expected closer to voting day.

Rohana did not say if married policemen will be entitled to free water if they obtain a divorce before next month’s presidential election.

Rohana’s statement issued today does not suggest any link between the election and the generous hand outs to police bachelors, but says it is s policy decision taken by the treasury headed by Punchi Banda Jayasundera.

Under the new scheme of Jayasundera, there is unlikely to be anymore claims in line with President Mahinda Rajapakse’s 2011 budget proposal of granting 100,000 to a third child of a member of armed forces.

The scheme was extended to the police in 2012, but with new perks for bachelors’ even the parents in the police may now be encouraged to separate to take advantage of unlimited water and electricity absolutely free of charge.

What a windfall for the unmarried whose spending power will rise to new highs.