What is a Woodmont Education?
It’s as age-old a ritual among teens as prom or drinking too much and smashing your parents’ corolla in a Mexican restaurant window – glossy catalogs of colleges arriving in their dozens every spring . Aside from the faint smoke smell of kiwi bubblegum vape, the Woodmont College catalog, Welcome to Woodmont College, is superficially no different from the others. But there is no school like Woodmont College (which is no longer a “university” due to a court order). And every page of its catalog is proof of that uniqueness, whether it’s showing off the college’s low scorpion infestation rate or celebrating its faculty’s diverse face tattoos. The best part? You can order your own copy of Welcome to Woodmont College and learn for yourself why US News and World Report hailed the school as “a singular educational experience for young people seeking the neglect of the arts and the aggression of city dwellers”.
Comedians Mike Sacks and Jason Roeder are your guides to Woodmont College – its missteps, its glories, its unsupervised quicksand pits – and we’ll be sharing bonus content from this e-book all week to help announce its release.
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There’s never been a better time to tell the world about Woodmont College. Our campus is finally sanitized, our sleazy instructors have moved to our international satellite schools, and our halls of residence toilets now have their own individual handles. Say goodbye to the main flush atop the main quad ziggurat!
But how best to tell the story of Woodmont? How do we convince ordinary students from wealthy backgrounds that their parents’ money has a place in our establishment? Sure, we put our name all over the vomit bins at the Competitive Food Olympiad, as well as the missile launchers at North Korea’s Platinum Jubilee military parade. But that’s just branding and, quite honestly, it feels a bit outdated. It’s a new day for Woodmont and we needed a new way to raise awareness of our near-accredited institution.
Then we realized that we didn’t need a PR department at all; our best spokespersons are the students who entered Woodmont College and, to our surprise, were eventually passed over to the other side as graduates. So we permanently locked the PR team out of their offices after a fire drill and decided to let our proud alumni speak for themselves.
Emma Turpin ’18
“I loved the lack of attention. I was at Woodmont for four years, and not once did anyone ask me for a single thing, except to help track down the provost, who had become addicted to PCP again and flees the campus with a few axes. And it wasn’t just me looking for him; they had the whole student body out there in the swamp.
Marc Wong ’99
“Of course, the skills I learned at Woodmont helped me excel in my future career of linking the justice system with nuisance prosecutions, but it was the personal relationships I established that I cherish most. . My freshman year, I was lucky enough to meet people from all over the world, although most dropped out due to the infamous “Woodmont polyp” outbreak in 1996. (Or was it the one in 1997? 1998 ?) Fortunately, many of my teachers became personal friends, and to this day I still see them when they show up at my house half-naked and sobbing in the middle. of the night begging for money.
Tabitha Douglas ’00
“I’ll never forget the faces of Woodmont, like my sophomore roommate, who ran an unlicensed blood bank in our dorm’s mini-fridge. Or the Dean of Students, who walked around campus with a stolen Burmese python around his neck. We found out it was stolen when the actual owners confronted it on stage at the start. It completely overshadowed the showrunner’s talk of Dharma and Greg.”
William Shakespeare ’03
“After seventeen years of boring jokes about my name, I did some research and found a school where no one would get the reference.”
Jaylen Bailey ’14
“I consider it a privilege never to have been swept away by the enormous hawk that nests atop the Woodmont Interfaith Chapel and Erotic Piercing Mega-Boutique. He got my roommate, though. TO TEAR, Todd. The school gave me a 4.0 automatic GPA and a loaner iPad for two weeks, so that was pretty cool.
Milo Dodds ’04
“Woodmont will test you well. But if you succeed, you’ll be one of the few who can say in a job interview that you can work in total darkness and take a punch from a chimpanzee.
Carlie Siegel ’19
“When I graduated, many potential employers told me that my education at Woodmont was ‘worthless’ or ‘an insurmountable obstacle to earning a living wage.’ Luckily for me, as an alumnus, I had overnight access to the Woodmont Career Center. Their VHS the library is mostly vintage porn and stuff that I think was stolen directly from Jack in the Box HR, but it was really helpful. After all, I was eventually hired by Woodmont as an assistant professor and am now paid in half a bowl of uncooked rice every day. Thank you Woodmont!
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